Cat Stuff

"Who would believe such pleasure from a wee ball o' fur?"-Irish Saying

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"Beware of people who dislike cats." Irish proverb

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"Happy is the home with at least one cat" - Italian Proverb

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How to give your cat a pill?

• Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

• Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

• Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
• Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
• Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
• If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
• Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
• This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
• Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
• Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
• Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
• Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
• Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
• Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
• Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
• Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
• Take two aspirins and lie down.

PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs & Cats

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs & cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.